Guest Post: Give Me Volume or Give me Death!

The Gloss Box Girls would like to present, the wonderful, wacky-- and will you believe, GORGEOUS Miss H.D. In her inaugural review of Kerastase's Spray Volumactive Volume Expansion Spray for Fine Vulnerable Hair, $34. HD has thick, fine hair, and beautiful features. Read on, and enjoy. 

GIVE  ME VOLUME OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

     I yell out to the heavens while standing in the bathroom holding my latest acquisition in my right hand above my head like Excalibur.  I bend over flipping my hair forward  and begin spritzing the roots of my “undercoat” as I refer to it.  I have thick, strong, straight, long, layered hair.  A very heavy load of stubborn locks.  I layer my hair in order to lighten the load.  I do like the natural volume my hair has from layering.  But if some volume is good…more has GOT to be better!!  Just as those with long eyelashes will try out a lengthening fiber mascara (guilty)  After all, I am American, and it is all about how much bigger and obnoxious can we make it.  

     As I spritz, careful to follow the directions…root to tip…I am sectioning off my hair…want to get full coverage.  I have towel dried my hair, as instructed. However, as usual, the “undercoat” is a tiny but damp.  I consider this…but don’t think it will make a difference.  I spritz away at my hair with visions of being mistaken for a cast member of Hair Spray.  Soon a whole new HD will be released upon New York!  This, yes, this, Kertase, this could be the answer.  Finally!  My heavy stubborn hair will for the first time bow to my command!  YES!!  Sadly enough I did cackle…out loud… just a  little bit though.  But in my defense…this has been a long hard road and I have yet to WIN just 1 battle!

     I decided that I had spritzed enough.  Got the undercoat, the interior, then topcoat.  I had done root to tip running my fingers through.  I had just been upside down, so I had volume I would expect from doing a flip. But so far,  nothing out of the ordinary.  So I wait…and wait.  I busy myself to get my mind off of it.  I avoid the mirrors as I think that maybe it is a slow process and if I see every tiny millimeter, I won’t actually see a huge difference when it finally grows to the full bouffant.  Much like weight gain.  One day you realize that you have put on 5-7lbs without really noticing.  Then wonder how you DIDN’T notice during the first 3lbs that something was going on!  If I just strapped a  5lb dumbbell to my ass I would def notice it all day and feel weird.  Even a 3lb….I would notice.  But it is the slow trickle that goes unnoticed til it is a huge puddle.  I recently had an “OMG!  I have gained weight and lost muscle tone!”  I didn’t realize the destructive path I was on til I hit rock bottom!  Bat wings.  The proof was right there…flappin away at me, and everyone in Giants Stadium, as I waved to some friends.  The smile turned to a combo of horror, panic, disgust, and embarrassment as I saw this blob hanging down off of my upper arm  just flapping away for all it was worth.  I am ssssooo glad the camera was not on me at that time.  I was mortified enough that everyone around me saw it.  “Somebody grab a broom!  There is a BAT in the stadium!!  We have to ground it!!”  (As I flap above the crowd looking for a rafter to go hang upside down from.)  How did my bat wings get out?  Here there are again! Loud and proud!  So excited to show their stuff to the crowd. I think my bat wings secretly aspire to be famous.  They were blowing kisses to the crowd and flapping with all of their might like they were Grand Marshal in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Which in the bat wing world, would be  the highest honor!  The talk of every Thanksgiving table. “Did you see those bat wings just flapping all the way down the parade route??”  (mental note to self, ask The Gloss Box for tips on exterminating the BATS!!)

    Anyhoo, the directions say to style as you normally would after spritzing.  But like I said, my hair pretty much does it’s own thing so I don’t do anything other than wash and condition my hair.  From time to time I will add mouse or a leave in conditioner if the ends are dry. 

    I walked around the streets of New York all day checking my hair in anything that would reflect.  There was no visible difference.  Foiled again.  But perhaps I didn’t’ towel dry correctly.  Yes!  That could be it!  My hair was a tiny damp…just a skoonch.  Well then, I smell a DO OVER!

    I plan my do over for the day I leave to fly home.  My family lets me have it every time. If I have ridiculous volume, my mother will probably say something like “is this the new “in” thing in New York?  Looks like you stuck your finger in a light socket.”  My brother never misses a beat.  He will do a little improv skit of me getting ready and styling my hair by electrocution.  Nobody tells it to ya like your family. 

    I again do the old wash, towel dry, but this time make sure it is BONE dry before I spritz.  I hop on the plane for my 1hour flight.  I have a calm about me.  No more checking every reflective surface.  Ok, so I noticed the person beside me had  picked up my reflection in their glasses.  I did look at myself, using the persons glasses…that were on his face at the time.  Yes I know… I weirded the guy out.  We were situating things, had a tiny chat, I don’t remember noticing my reflection, that wasn’t my intention. I just remember the outcome.  Awkward silence.  Which broke the spell I had fallen under.  I only wonder how long I was voguing in the dudes glasses before I noticed that he had noticed!  It is a bad habit I developed when I was very young. My mom would wear mirrored sunglasses.  I loved to make funny faces in mirrors.  But the difference between the gentleman on the plane and my mom, is my mom would say “you are only talking to me cause you want to see your reflection, don’t you.”   In mid nostril flare (one of my fav faces to make as a child, and as an adult, I am not gonna lie)  I would say some cheesy line, something like, “Nnnoooo mom,  I just wanna chat! Cause you are my mom, and we should….chat.”  (during that sentence I would a different face contortions for every single word…not just the nostril flare alone) 

   The plane lands.  I am hopping out of the seat I had moved to.  It wasn’t a full flight so I thought it best to move after letting a total stranger, in on the weirdnesses that I think I hide…like the bat wings.  But never notice that they are out until I have just made a total ass of myself.  The least I could do was move.  However my earlier embarrassment is no longer on my mind.  Can’t wait to get to baggage claim and get ridiculed by my mother!!  I am off!!  I zip through the airport.  Getting giddy!!  I see her!!  Any minute now she is going to lean forward and squint….any minute….ok….go….come on.  DO IT!  CCRRAAPPP!!! Nothing!  We are on our way to the car and still nothing.  One last attempt.  We stopped by my brothers house and he didn’t do the electrocution dance he used to when I had sky scraper bangs in junior high.  My dreams of grandeur dashed.  Just like the bottle of Kertase will be when I get back to NYC.  No volume here for the stubborn straight long think layered hair.  My hair has beat yet another EXPENSIVE opponent.  Save your cash and just go for the light socket  treatment!